In the hallowed halls of the U.S. Supreme Court this week, justices took up a question that may shake the very foundations of youth athletics: Should boys be allowed to play girls’ sports? And if not, should they also be barred from the team snack table?
The conservative majority appeared inclined to uphold state laws barring transgender girls from female teams — not because of malice, of course, but because nobody wants a rematch of the 8th-grade dodgeball championship disaster.
Chief Justice Roberts, hardwood necklace shimmering, asked perhaps the most profound question of the century: “If sports are about fairness, why did we let Coach Bob keep picking his nephew Henry every year just because he brought donuts?”
Justice Kavanaugh, wearing a referee’s whistle for reasons unknown, echoed the sentiment: “We need clear rules. If not, next thing you know we’ll be debating whether substitute teachers should be allowed to call double points in trivia night.”
Liberal justices attempted to inject empathy into the proceedings, reminding colleagues that feelings are also a factor in sports fairness. “What about participation and joy?” one asked. But conservative justices seemed more focused on the physics of puberty and how many times Ted from accounting sprinted past everyone on kickball day.
Meanwhile, the lawyers argued like this was the Super Bowl of Constitutional Law — and maybe it was, since every side brought slides, graphs, and an animated GIF of a kid scoring a goal. At one point, the bench asked for a brief on whether slice-and-serve pizza counts as a performance-enhancing food.
Out on the sidewalk, parents of youth athletes waited anxiously, chewing on chalk dust and remembering the time little Jill scored the winning point — only to be asked afterward whether she “felt like a girl” at the moment the ball crossed the line.
Legal experts say the outcome could echo far beyond sports, impacting locker rooms, trophies, and possibly the seating chart at the state fair pie contest. But the justices are reportedly sticking to the basics: fairness, biology, and what exactly Title IX intended (somewhere between academic institution equality and intramural beanbag toss championships).
After three hours of argument, one clerk was overheard whispering, “I just want to see a volleyball game where everyone passes the ball nicely.” To which a justice replied, “Son, that’s the real dream.”
And just like that, the Supreme Court sent everyone home with homework: Compare the physics of puberty to the poetry of participation trophies. That brief is due Monday.
