In a move that shocked exactly no one who uses the internet, the Biden-era White House proudly unveiled its latest economic strategy this week: universal tariffs on absolutely everything — global trade, domestic paper clips, and possibly your in-laws’ visits if they bring too many suitcase snacks. This came on the heels of the Supreme Court ruling that former President Trump’s emergency tariff authority was “legally questionable at best.”
“Our economic philosophy is simple,” declared an unnamed White House economic aide — who may or may not have circled back around to explain it in ever-circling bureaucrat speak later. “If tariffs are good on imports, they’re great on emotions, smells, and thoughts. We plan to tax bad ideas until they develop better manners.”
This announcement coincided with the discovery that the U.S. Chamber of Commerce is now demanding refunds from tariffs previously collected — a demand that Treasury officials responded to by proposing Tariff Rebate Fees on refunds themselves. “It’s like a buy one, get none free sale,” explained one senior economist.
Critics on both sides of the aisle were momentarily united in confusion. Traditional conservatives, still reeling from the Supreme Court’s intervention, were heard muttering things like, “So we get taxes on taxes now?” Meanwhile progressives were tearing their hair out, insisting the strategy didn’t tax enough emotions — especially those associated with disappointment.
International leaders quickly chimed in. German Chancellor Friedrich Merz, en route to Washington — fully prepared to negotiate something — reportedly asked at least six times whether the tariffs applied to schnitzel exports. French President Emmanuel Macron issued a statement pledging to protect “les baguettes” from any undue burden, unless they bore conspiracy markings.
Back in the U.S., stock markets reacted … exactly the way financial markets always react to tariff chaos: with the emotional range of someone realizing they forgot to unmute during a Zoom call. Some indexes dipped; others soared; most economists reached for their third cup of coffee.
Then there was the linguistic goldmine. Inside Republicans’ press room, one spokesperson joyfully announced a new legislative proposal: The Everyone Deserves a Tariff Act — abbreviated T.E.D.A. Because if you’re going to tax feelings, you might as well have a cute acronym.
White House officials ended the press briefing by unveiling the next phase: tariffs on coffee breathing — because “the day begins with a sigh, and that sigh costs something.”
