The White House held a press briefing Tuesday to reassure Americans that inflation is not only under control, but possibly imaginary, depending on how one defines “reality,” “math,” and “basic grocery shopping.”
Press Secretary Elaine Whitmore explained that while prices remain visibly higher across nearly every category, the administration prefers to view the situation through a more “holistic emotional lens.”
“Technically, inflation is down,” Whitmore said, gesturing toward a chart that appeared to be drawn in crayon. “If Americans still feel like everything is expensive, that’s more of a personal journey than an economic one.”
The announcement comes as families across the country report spending upwards of $200 on what used to be described as “a few things.” Eggs, in particular, have become a luxury item, now stored in velvet-lined containers and discussed in hushed tones.
Local father Greg Henderson confirmed the shift. “We don’t eat eggs anymore,” he said. “We just gather around the carton and remember when we could.”
Administration economists were quick to defend the messaging, noting that Americans are simply clinging to outdated expectations rooted in what they called “pre-enlightened capitalism.”
“People need to stop comparing today’s prices to yesterday’s,” said senior advisor Dr. Leonard Pike. “That kind of thinking is linear, and frankly, problematic. Prices aren’t higher—you’re just remembering wrong.”
To help citizens adapt, the Department of Economic Wellness released a new guide titled ‘Mind Over Market: Manifesting Affordable Groceries.’ The guide encourages Americans to replace negative thoughts like “this is too expensive” with affirmations such as “this $9 lettuce represents growth.”
Meanwhile, grocery stores are reportedly doing their part by relabeling items to better reflect the administration’s messaging. A gallon of milk is now listed as “Premium Liquid Experience,” while bread has been rebranded as “Artisanal Wheat Expression.”
Not everyone is convinced. Independent analysts have pointed out that while inflation rates may be slowing, prices themselves remain significantly elevated. However, officials dismissed these concerns as “numerically accurate but spiritually misleading.”
“Numbers don’t tell the whole story,” Whitmore added. “Feelings do. And we feel like things are getting better.”
In a final effort to bridge the gap between perception and reality, the administration announced a new pilot program in which Americans will receive weekly emails reminding them that they are, in fact, thriving.
The emails will include helpful tips such as “Try not to look at receipts” and “Consider fasting—it’s both healthy and patriotic.”
At press time, officials confirmed that the next phase of economic recovery will focus on redefining the word “affordable” to mean “available in theory.”
