Scranton, PA - It took our research team all night, but we finally think we figured out what John Fetterman said in his latest campaign speech to Pennsylvania voters. Speaking to a research assistant, he said that he’s, “pretty sure” Fetterman was warning that Democrats could steal the midterm elections when he said we’ll have to wait, “several days” for election results.
“They had me decoding the Zodiac killer’s letters, and that was easier than trying to make sense of this Fetterman speech,” said one researcher for Wokelish after examining the speech transcript. “I mean, this guy is speaking nonsense, but if he’s right then we need to watch the election closely.”
Researchers were seen performing a seance to bring forth the ghost of Alan Turing so he could take a crack at deciphering Fetterman’s campaign speech. “Honestly, I got nothing. The enigma machine has nothing on this guy,” said the ghost of Alan Turing before he vanished into thin air. All eyes are on the midterm election and will be tuning in throughout the night to see results in key battleground states like Pennsylvania.
