TRUMP FILES LAWSUITS, MEDIA FILES EYEROLLS
President Trump unleashed a barrage of lawsuits against CNN and the New York Times for their creative nonfiction on the Iran strike, prompting journalists to shrug like they were auditioning for a French art film. "Being wrong is part of the job," whispered one NYT editor into his oat milk flat white.
CNN: FICTION IS OUR FACT-CHECKER
CNN, known internationally for converting hearsay into headlines, defended its reporting. “If three anonymous sources and a psychic said the bombs missed, who are we to disagree?” CNN anchor Ron Trustfall explained while retweeting his own op-ed from a burner account.
NYT STANDS BY STORY, DESPITE REALITY’S OBJECTIONS
The Times, ever bold in its opposition to facts, called Trump’s strike a “mild inconvenience to Iran’s nuclear ambitions,” citing unnamed sources inside the Ayatollah’s bowling league. When asked for proof, a reporter held up a napkin that read: “Trust me, bro.”
JOURNALISTS DECLARE WAR ON ACCOUNTABILITY
Despite the lawsuits, reporters vowed to keep doing “journalism,” which now involves wearing a press badge while imagining headlines in the shower. “Trump can’t stop us,” said one journalist, “unless he shows us the dictionary definition of ‘defamation,’ and then we’re in real trouble.”
TRUMP STRIKES BACK WITH TRUTH BOMBS
As CNN clutches pearls and NYT spills soy ink, Trump reminded America that fake news is still fake, even when printed in italics. “They can run, but they can’t redact,” he said triumphantly, waving a copy of the Constitution and a subpoena. The media may shrug—but America just laughed.
