Following renewed national debate over election integrity and voter eligibility, federal officials unveiled the Office of Election Feelings, a brand-new agency designed to ensure no one experiences emotional discomfort while discussing voting procedures.
The agency's mission is simple: replace difficult questions with carefully moderated conversations about everyone's personal truth.
"Facts tend to escalate tensions," explained Acting Director Harmony Fields. "Our office specializes in replacing evidence with empathy."
The department immediately issued its first guidance manual, encouraging citizens to avoid using intimidating words such as "verification," "identification," or "documentation."
Instead, Americans are encouraged to ask whether ballots "feel sufficiently included."
Congressional staff welcomed the initiative.
"We've spent years arguing about election laws," said one aide. "It's refreshing to finally regulate vocabulary instead."
A bipartisan commission briefly considered solving actual election disputes before concluding that forming another advisory panel would require significantly fewer difficult decisions.
Meanwhile, bureaucrats unveiled a new certification program for election observers.
Participants must complete forty hours of sensitivity training before being permitted to notice anything.
"We want observation without observing," one instructor clarified.
A county election worker confessed the rules had become confusing.
"I thought my job was counting ballots," she admitted. "Now I'm mostly counting emotional microaggressions."
Several constitutional scholars attempted to ask procedural questions but were redirected to a wellness circle featuring herbal tea and acoustic guitar music.
Media commentators praised the new office as a breakthrough in democratic healing.
"If citizens stop arguing about election rules," one analyst explained, "they'll have more time to argue about the arguments."
One pastor watching the announcement simply smiled.
"Truth has survived larger bureaucracies than this."
The statement was immediately referred to the Office of Contextual Clarification for further review.
At press time, officials announced the agency's first annual conference, Counting Every Feeling, where attendees will vote on whether voting itself has become too politically divisive.
