In what may be the most honest diplomatic proposal since a neighborhood HOA meeting tried to fix the community pool schedule, Venezuelan strongman Nicolás Maduro has declared his readiness to hold serious talks with the United States — provided America brings snacks and Chevron checkbooks.
Maduro, who is definitely not on any U.S. terror or narco indictments list if you don’t count that one thing, took to state TV this week to assure the world that Venezuela is open for business — and apparently open for business conversations. “If they want oil,” Maduro stated with all the charisma of someone offering to sell beachfront property in Siberia, “they can have our oil. We have plenty.”
The proposal follows months of U.S. complaints that Venezuela is a dangerous narco-state and the Trump administration’s more aggressive actions, including drone strikes and alleged covert operations targeting suspected drug traffickers.
Maduro assured viewers that none of the tension matters as long as negotiations include BBQ-flavored dialogue and maybe a couple of friendly oil swaps.
“I say to President Trump — trade drug trafficking stats for oil futures,” Maduro reportedly told a panel of carefully vetted parrots. “We’ll even throw in free refinery tours if you bring friends.” Later, Maduro drove through Caracas — presumably to prove he still drives — while his interviewer silently questioned whether his GPS was even working.
White House officials, when reached for comment, were reportedly “confused but intrigued,” with one aide reportedly musing, “So are we talking actual peace talks or just another episode of Deal or No Deal: Caracas Edition?”
Critics on both sides of the aisle immediately chimed in:
- A Trump admin strategist said the offer was “probably the best olive branch since that guy threw grapes at Caesar.”
- Meanwhile, commentators online speculated whether Maduro’s offer was sincere — or if he simply wanted a new lease on diplomatic immunity with snacks included.
In the end, all sides agreed that the only thing missing from this international melodrama was a catchy theme song and something called a mutual fund.
The official line from Caracas now reads: “Talk oil, talk drugs, talk tacos — just talk.” And as 2026 dawns, the world waits to see if this historic round of diplomatic small talk will lead to lasting peace — or at least a good trade deal on shipping rates.
Final Punchline: Venezuelan negotiators are reportedly also offering to include their famous arepas in the trade talks, but only if Trump brings salsa. Wish diplomacy were this flavorful everywhere.
