MINNEAPOLIS — Long known for brutal winters, Minneapolis is taking its icy reputation to the next level by officially rebranding the city Protest Theme Park USA, Winter Edition. Guests can enjoy Freeze Your Rights Rides, General Strike Slide, and the thrilling new exhibit — Operation Metro Surge Mega Coaster — complete with dramatic dips, conflicting press briefings, and spontaneous chants.
This winter wonderland opened after a blockbuster season of federal enforcement, protests, and press conferences that left locals wondering whether the snow was even as cold as the political climate. “We wanted to combine Minnesotan charm with federal bravado,” said the city’s unofficial mascot — a snowman wearing a tactical vest and protest sign. He refused to talk about meltwater as symbolic.
Visitors can participate in the famous General Strike Slide, where you slide down a slope marked Justice! Accountability! Pay Attention! only to be whisked back up the hill by a wind machine called National Media Whirlwind. Nearby, the Protester’s Carousel spins at exactly the speed of bureaucratic approvals — slow enough to make you dizzy but fast enough to make everyone queasy.
In Café Polar Opposite, the official event café, guests can choose from the Cold Shoulder Panini, Mixed Message Milkshake, and You Call That Strategy Sundae topped with sprinkles of confusion and slightly burnt press releases. A portion of proceeds goes to the Minneapolis Department of Preparedness for Being Unexpectedly on National TV Again.
Local union leaders are hosting the Strike and Shiver parade, complete with marching bands playing the hits Frostbite Funk and Shout If You Can Hear This Over the Whirlwind. They’ve also introduced the Minnesota Marathon of Patience, a race where runners must complete paperwork before crossing the finish line.
Punchline: Organizers insist there’s something for everyone — even a secret VIP lounge where transcripts of press briefings warm up guests like narrative hot cocoa. Just don’t forget your mittens… and your constitutional rights!
