In a bold move to “reverse the chaos” at the border, Washington quietly rolled out a new immigration policy this week: the total suspension of Third-World migration — to be replaced with “Autopen Asylum.”
Under the policy, no more charter flights, no more bus caravans, no more boats. Instead, would-be migrants are instructed to stand on a beach, wave their arms, and shout, “Hello, America!” while border agents record the moment on official cameras. They’ll then be granted a “digital visa” — aka a selfie-stick transmission accepted in lieu of physical paperwork.
“We realized that real people are just too messy,” said a nameless bureaucrat, peering over thick glasses. “Ghosts, drones, memes — they don’t complain, don’t demand benefits, don’t need translators. And they definitely won’t show up demanding housing.”
Supporters hailed it as a stroke of genius. “It’s efficient! It’s humane! Most of all — it’s invisible,” crowed one official at a celebratory press conference held entirely in front of a green screen. “Irregular migration? What irregular migration?”
Detractors — mostly real people who still think physical borders involve actual people — had trouble protesting. Their problems were apparently downgraded to “buffer-zone issues.” One concerned citizen demanded to know what happened to asylum seekers needing jobs. The response: “Jobs? We outsourced those too. To a cloud server.”
In short: no more unpaid benefits for migrants, no strain on schools, and — most importantly — no inconvenient faces waiting at the border. Just a smooth hum of drones and the occasional glitchy hologram.
As one anonymous whistle-blower put it: “We used to worry about overcrowded cities. Now we just worry about overloaded bandwidth.”
Final punchline: If you’re going to have mass migration, why not make it digital, anonymous, and totally woke-friendly? After all, nothing says “secure border” like zero physical humans.
