WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a stunning display of legal self-reliance, the investigation into alleged election interference has found its hero… in its own mirror. Faced with a mountain of recusals and mass prosecutor rejection, the man charged with finding someone brave (or foolish) enough to take on the case simply appointed himself. Yes, that’s right — the prosecutor “search committee” handed the gavel to the only candidate who never applied.
According to the recently publicized memo, after “several prosecutors … respectfully declined,” Peter Skandalakis — director of the Prosecuting Attorneys’ Council — announced he would personally take over the case. His rationale? A deep commitment to “fairness, transparency, and discharging my duties without fear, favor, or affection.” A touching display of self-confidence: “If no one else wants the job,” he apparently said, “I guess I’ll just prosecute… myself prosecuting.”
Notably, those prosecutors had good reason to balk. In recent years, high-profile politically charged cases have proven to be a black hole for careers — demotions, media mobs, partisan witch-hunts, and scandalous leaks. Who wants that job? The only picture missing: a blinking neon sign reading, “Here lies your reputation — handle with care.”
One legal insider, speaking on condition of anonymity, reportedly quipped: “It’s like being told, ‘Congratulations — you get to captain the Titanic on its maiden voyage… after they pulled every capable sailor off the deck.’”
Meanwhile, critics are calling the situation a “constitutional clown show.” A top-tier civil-liberties watchdog (cough, the swamp) warned: “If prosecutors must self-appoint just to get the job done, then great-grandpa’s dusty copy of the Constitution might as well be a comic book.” Pro-justice voices countered: “If you want the case handled by someone who won’t blink — maybe this is better than letting the swamp continue to drain accountability.”
At press time, Skandalakis was reportedly seen polishing his own legal robes, muttering, “No application? No problem. I’ve got this.” Which begs the question — are we witnessing a triumph of duty, or just the most committed bureaucrat in history playing solo chess?
Final Punchline: In an era where woke speech-police and media mobs cancel anyone for a wrong tweet, it takes real courage — or sadomasochism — to volunteer as “prosecutor of last resort.” If justice needs a hero, sometimes the hero is also the only one with a pulse.
