In a bold move that has diplomats everywhere Googling “how to update LinkedIn,” President Donald Trump’s administration announced the recall of nearly 30 career U.S. ambassadors from posts around the globe — not because they were ineffective, but because they weren’t selfies ready.
In a press briefing yesterday, Secretary of State Senior MAGA Experience Curator Blaine Proudlydeclared, “We’re replacing these ambassadors with individuals better suited to modern diplomatic demands — like speaking fluent Truth Social, deploying MAGA hats as peace offerings, and negotiating trade deals while holding a Big Mac.” He added, “Plus, those career diplomats never once asked for golf privileges.”
At press time, instructions were being emailed to the departing envoys asking them to return their official passports, embassy moustache guards, and complimentary sporks from diplomatic banquets.
One relieved ambassador — reportedly sent back from Eastern Europe — said through tears, “I’ll miss telling foreign ministers we were ‘looking forward to stronger cooperation.’ Honestly, I’m going to miss that exact phrase.”
Political analysts weren’t sure how the host nations felt, but one South Asian foreign minister was reportedly baffled to receive a postcard of Mar-a-Lago instead of the new ambassador, who was “unavoidably at a rally.”
Meanwhile, Trump’s new America First Foreign Concierge Service (AFFCS) is rolling out its global replacement program:
- Africa: “Safari Diplomacy,” includes complimentary sunblock.
- Europe: “Brexit 2.0 Book Club Meetings.”
- Asia: “Kung Pao Peace Talks with Extra Spice.”
Critics warned that this will leave sensitive negotiations in the hands of influencers who think Vienna is a brand of energy drink. Supporters responded with confidence, saying, “Who better to negotiate NATO than a TikTok negotiator with 1.2 million followers?”
Final punchline from the new AFFCS motto: “Why send a seasoned diplomat when you can send someone with a verified checkmark?”
