Climate experts issued a new round of guidance this week, encouraging Americans to dramatically lower their expectations for comfort, affordability, and personal freedom in order to help fight climate change.
The recommendations include driving less, eating less meat, using less energy, and generally enjoying life less, all while remaining grateful for the opportunity to participate in what officials called “a morally superior struggle.”
“This isn’t about sacrifice,” explained one climate policy advisor. “It’s about redefining prosperity so it no longer includes things people actually like.”
Under the proposal, citizens are encouraged to view rising energy costs as a character-building exercise rather than a financial burden. Officials suggested families gather around a single space heater this winter to “rediscover community” while reflecting on their carbon footprint.
“When people complain about heating bills, that tells us they’re still thinking selfishly,” said one expert. “The planet doesn’t care if you’re cold.”
Transportation guidelines also recommend fewer cars, more walking, and increased reliance on public transit systems that may or may not arrive. For rural Americans, officials proposed “creative solutions,” such as relocating to cities or simply adjusting expectations about employment.
Dietary advice urged citizens to replace traditional proteins with climate-friendly alternatives, including plant-based products and “nutrient-dense options still in development.” When asked what those options were, experts clarified that innovation takes time and patience—and possibly a willingness to chew.
Faith leaders aligned with the initiative framed the effort as a new kind of stewardship, one that requires trusting experts over instincts and replacing traditional blessings with sustainability goals.
“Blessed are those who consume less,” one consultant paraphrased, “for theirs is a smaller carbon footprint.”
Meanwhile, government officials assured Americans that these standards would not apply universally. Certain individuals, conferences, and international summits will continue operating as normal in order to coordinate reductions for everyone else.
“Systemic change requires leadership,” said an official boarding a private flight. “And leadership is exhausting.”
At press time, Americans were reminded that if the policies feel uncomfortable, that discomfort is proof they are working—and that anyone enjoying life too much should immediately reconsider their lifestyle choices.
