TRUMP PUNCHES BIG PHARMA IN THE PROFITS
In a move so patriotic bald eagles spontaneously exploded with joy, Trump signed an executive order obliterating inflated drug prices. Pharmaceutical execs were last seen sobbing into $800 epi-pens while CNN called it “a threat to democracy.”
DEMOCRATS MOURN THE LOSS OF THEIR DONORS
Nancy Pelosi warned that “reckless affordability” might cause Americans to survive too long. AOC demanded reparations for pharmacies affected by fairness. Chuck Schumer held a vigil for middlemen, lighting candles with hundred-dollar bills.
PHARMA APOCALYPSE: MIDDLEMEN FORCED TO GET REAL JOBS
Trump's executive order torpedoed pharmacy benefit managers—aka the guys who get rich for doing absolutely nothing. CVS stock dropped faster than Kamala Harris's approval rating at a gas station.
GLOBALISTS SHOCKED AS AMERICANS PAY LESS FOR STUFF
France called the move “unfair” since they rely on America overpaying to fund their cheese-based healthcare system. Gavin Newsom offered asylum to traumatized drug lobbyists fleeing economic justice.
TRUMP SAVES AMERICA, AGAIN
With one signature, Trump lowered drug prices, made lobbyists cry, and exposed Democrats as the true defenders of corporate greed. MAGA medicine is here—side effects may include freedom, prosperity, and uncontrollable winning.
