MIDDLE EAST PLAYS ‘WHO CAN VIOLATE CEASEFIRE FIRST’
Shortly after the ceasefire began, Iran allegedly sent over a couple of flaming love notes to Israel—who swatted them down like a MAGA hat at a vegan poetry slam. Iran, naturally, denied it all. “Those weren’t missiles, those were freedom birds,” said one official.
ISRAEL RESPONDS WITH THEIR FAVORITE HOBBY: RETALIATION
Israel, ever the overachiever, returned fire just to prove they read the ceasefire fine print backwards. “We will respond with force,” declared commanders, ignoring both peace and their group therapist.
TRUMP DELIVERS HARSH VERDICT FROM MAR-A-MORAL HIGH GROUND
In a spontaneous moment of geopolitical parenting, Trump weighed in: “They both don’t know what the f*** they are doing.” Reporters say he then offered both nations a copy of The Art of the Deal and a juice box.
PENTAGON CONSIDERS REPLACING MISSILES WITH WHISTLES
Sources say the Pentagon is considering swapping missile alerts for referee whistles and coloring books. “Next time, we’re bringing in Supernanny,” whispered one diplomat.
TRUMP CONCLUDES: NEXT CEASEFIRE TO BE HELD AT TRUMP TOWER JERUSALEM
Trump later announced he’ll host the next peace summit at a Trump golf course—if both countries promise to actually stop shooting. “Losers,” he added. “I make better ceasefires in my sleep.”
