Federal officials announced the creation of the Department of Administrative Clarification this week after concluding that government agencies spend nearly half their time investigating problems ordinary Americans solved sometime around 1998.
The agency's first assignment reportedly involves explaining why fraud is generally considered undesirable before launching a major investigation into alleged abuses of the H-1B visa program.
Officials described the mission as "ambitious but achievable."
"Our goal is to bridge the dangerous gap between common sense and federal paperwork," explained fictional acting director Sheila Binderclip. "For years Americans have been noticing things months before Washington officially schedules a meeting to notice them."
The department has already produced several educational manuals.
Among them:
- Yes, Incentives Matter.
- People Usually Mean What They Profit From.
- A 700-Page Report Is Not a Substitute for Reading the First Three Pages.
Employees undergo extensive training.
New hires spend six weeks learning how to convert ordinary English into bureaucratic dialect.
For example:
"That seems like fraud."
Becomes:
"An opportunity exists for enhanced compliance optimization pending interagency stakeholder engagement."
Binderclip called the translation "essential for professional growth."
Congress reportedly praised the initiative because it generates bipartisan agreement.
Democrats appreciate the new office because it creates another agency.
Republicans appreciate it because someone might finally explain why existing agencies keep missing obvious problems.
Lobbyists also welcomed the announcement.
"It's comforting," said fictional consultant Max Influence. "Now when regulators finally discover what everyone's been talking about for years, they'll at least issue a beautifully formatted PDF."
Average Americans remained skeptical.
"I already have a Department of Administrative Clarification," said imaginary electrician Carl Dawson. "It's called my wife."
Government efficiency experts predict the new office will eventually require its own oversight committee, inspector general, advisory council, diversity coordinator, and commemorative challenge coin.
By year three, officials expect to publish a 2,400-page report concluding that bureaucracy tends to create...more bureaucracy.
The report's executive summary will reportedly recommend forming another agency to investigate why nobody saw that coming.
