America launches emergency effort to replenish outrage supply after citizens accidentally enjoy one peaceful afternoon online.
For the first time in recorded internet history, experts say the nation's Strategic Outrage Reserve briefly dipped below emergency levels after Americans spent nearly seven uninterrupted minutes without discovering something new to be furious about.
The Department of Emotional Preparedness immediately convened a bipartisan panel consisting entirely of cable news producers and people who reply "Actually..." on social media.
"This is unprecedented," explained Dr. Candace Algorithm, director of the Institute for Manufactured Urgency. "If people begin enjoying their coffee before checking social media, our entire engagement economy could collapse."
Officials quickly reassured the public that several new controversies were already being prepared.
One proposal reportedly involves declaring weather maps offensive to people who prefer surprise.
Another would require grocery stores to place avocados behind glass so customers can experience the thrill of political discourse before making guacamole.
"We're committed to ensuring every American has something to argue about before breakfast," said one anonymous consultant while refreshing five different news feeds simultaneously.
Industry leaders expressed optimism.
"We're only one viral clip away from full outrage capacity," one executive predicted. "The internet has never failed us before."
Meanwhile, thousands of Americans accidentally smiled at neighbors after their Wi-Fi briefly went down.
Authorities described the incident as "deeply concerning."
Repairs were completed within minutes.
