Congress expressed alarm Monday after reports surfaced that several ordinary Americans had begun reading actual legislative text instead of relying exclusively on social media summaries.
The emergency prompted lawmakers to unveil the "Bipartisan Commission for Responsible Public Ignorance," tasked with restoring the long-standing tradition of skimming headlines before developing deeply held opinions.
"We simply weren't prepared for this level of civic participation," explained committee spokesman Dale Redtape. "The system functions much more efficiently when everyone argues about legislation nobody has opened."
Staffers reportedly noticed trouble after one voter asked a representative why a 37-page bill required an additional 1,900 pages of appendices.
"It was unsettling," admitted one congressional aide. "For a moment we thought transparency might catch on."
The commission immediately proposed several reforms, including replacing bill text with inspirational stock photos and QR codes leading directly to cable news panels.
Political consultants from both parties welcomed the proposal.
"Americans deserve simple choices," said one strategist. "Either this bill saves democracy forever or destroys civilization before lunch. Nuance has tested terribly in focus groups."
Constitutional scholars were divided.
"The Founders expected citizens to stay informed," said Professor Abigail Madison.
"Fortunately," interrupted another analyst, "they never anticipated smartphones."
Meanwhile, a freshman intern accidentally summarized an entire spending bill in plain English.
Witnesses say senior staff quickly escorted him from the building before the explanation spread online.
Congress later declared the situation under control after Americans resumed arguing about a headline they never clicked.
