CRIME CAPITAL TAKES THE CROWN
With murder rates higher than all 50 states, D.C. has officially become the Super Bowl champion of violent crime — and Democrats are popping champagne to celebrate “record diversity in victims.”
NATIONAL GUARD MEANS BUSINESS
Trump’s troops will patrol streets where the only law currently enforced is “don’t look too rich after dark.”
BLUE CITY MELTDOWN
Nancy Pelosi warned that federal officers might “accidentally stop a mugging,” calling it a “dangerous precedent.”
FAKE QUOTES, REAL PANIC
Mayor Bowser allegedly said, “We can’t have safety — it’s part of our brand.”
MAGA ORDER RESTORED
Trump promises that soon, D.C. residents will once again walk outside without needing a Kevlar vest or a signed permission slip from their local gang leader.
