ANCHORAGE, AUGUST 15 — In what critics are calling “the most questionable goodwill effort since the Nobel committee accidentally contacted Kanye,” President Trump and Vladimir Putin are convening at Joint Base Elmendorf‑Richardson for a “high‑stakes” summit marked by ice, tariffs, and territorial flirtations.
Tariff Theater & Secondary Surcharge Surprise
Trump’s strategy? Smother global energy markets with suspense. He’s dangling the possibility of “very severe” secondary tariffs—starting at a cool 100%—on countries buying Russian oil, unless Russia snaps to and grants peace faster than a congressional recess.
Already, trade partners like India are getting the “MAGA mark,” with tariffs doubled to 50% over their continued oil commerce with Moscow.
Territorial Tug-of-War
Trump’s spiel includes striking deals that might involve “some swapping of territories” between Russia and Ukraine—as if arranging which bedroom goes to whom in a dormitory. Ukrainian President Zelenskyy, thunderbolting from London, has responded: “We don’t do swap meets—they’re still in garage sales” .
The 25% Deja Vu
He also invoked an earlier executive order threatening 25% tariffs on countries dealing in Russian oil, tagging the aggression in Ukraine as a “national security emergency”—again.
Alaska: Convenient, Symbolic, and ICC-proof
Why Alaska? Not just for the glacier selfies. The state’s strategic military bases keep Putin under U.S. legal umbrellas—because the U.S. isn’t bound by the International Criminal Court.
Also, it’s roughly six states away from actual diplomacy.
Showtime!
Fox host Brian Kilmeade hyped the moment by dubbing Trump a “big athlete,” ready to bulldoze diplomacy onto the mat. Trump, ever the strategist, has conceded there's a "25% chance the summit fails"—eerily similar to what you'd hear when drawing raffle odds at the county fair.
The Plot Twist
If the talks go well, Zelenskyy might be invited to the sequel—“Alaska 2: The Kyiv Awakens”—but otherwise, Trump promises to return empty‑handed (unless you count unresolved wars as a souvenir).
Bottom Line: Peacemaking or Polarizing?
A historic summit with Parks Department–grade potential: stunning scenery, tariff fireworks, territorial oddities, and moose looking on, probably confused.
