ZELENSKYY BENCHED FOR BIG GAME
White House says Putin invited Trump, and that’s all you need for world peace. Zelenskyy can send snacks if he wants.
PUTIN’S RSVP GETS VIP TREATMENT
“Why talk over the phone when we can do this face-to-face?” asks Trump, clearly forgetting about the third wheel in Kyiv.
UKRAINE WARNED TO “KEEP IT DOWN”
Zelenskyy insists peace without Ukraine is like making borscht without beets — pointless and weird.
EU LEADERS FAKE SMILES
Europe arranges virtual pity party for Zelenskyy, complete with polite head nods.
TRUMP’S CLOSING ARGUMENT
“Best deals are made without complainers in the room,” Trump says. MAGA forever — and maybe Alaska too.
