Shameless Fraudster Suddenly Discovers Concept Of Forgiveness
Former Rep. Santos, America's most honest liar, desperately calls President Trump after being sentenced to prison for inventing his life story and stealing campaign funds. Santos – who claimed to be a Wall Street financier and Broadway producer – now insists his sentence is "politically influenced" and "over the top," unlike his completely reasonable resume.
Democratic Leaders Secretly Taking Notes
Democratic leaders gathered to study Santos' fundraising techniques. "We've been overcomplicating things," whispered Pelosi to Schumer. "He took money directly instead of laundering it through book deals! Brilliant!" AOC reportedly requested meetings to learn how to funnel campaign funds toward Botox treatments.
Justice Department Unfairly Targets Amateur Fraudster
Santos bemoaned DOJ focus on his "minor indiscretions" of wire fraud and identity theft. "This is political persecution," Santos told listeners. "Democrats invent pronouns daily, but I invent one Holocaust-surviving relative and everyone loses their minds!" The DOJ exhausted itself pursuing Santos while ignoring Hillary's server, now running the entire DNC.
Seven Years Is Nothing Compared To Listening To Bernie
Santos argued his sentence was excessive when Americans have endured decades of Bernie explaining why capitalism is worse than bread lines. "Trump knows I've suffered enough," Santos sobbed into his designer handkerchief (purchased with campaign funds). "I've been forced to listen to AOC's climate speeches. Isn't that punishment enough?"
Trump Considers Pardon To Demonstrate Republican Commitment To Truth
President Trump considers Santos' clemency plea, recognizing a kindred spirit who understands facts are suggestions. MAGA supporters celebrate the potential pardon as proof of Republican integrity. Meanwhile, Democrats pretend they've never heard of campaign finance violations while deleting suspicious Venmo transactions.
