THE BEAR HUG SUMMIT
Vladimir Putin arrived in Anchorage with a grin, proposing U.S.–Russia cooperation “in trade, tech, and outer space.” Translation: he wants half of Alaska back and a Costco membership. Trump, ever the dealmaker, replied, “Only if I get naming rights to the Kremlin food court.”
SCHUMER MELTS DOWN
Chuck Schumer reportedly screamed, “This is treason!” before realizing he was yelling at his microwave. Pelosi suggested sanctioning polar bears for “colluding with Russian ice.”
AOC’S SPACE ODYSSEY
Putin floated joint space exploration. AOC instantly demanded she be launched as “the first democratic socialist astronaut.” Bernie offered to tax oxygen on Mars to pay for it.
NATO PANIC ATTACK
When Putin blamed NATO for Ukraine, Democrats fainted on cue. Hillary Clinton offered to restart her “Deleted Email Recovery Hotline” as NATO’s backup communication plan.
MAGA TRIUMPH
Trump closed the summit declaring, “Peace through strength — and tariffs.” Democrats wept, Putin smiled, and MAGA hats sold out in Anchorage by noon.
