Global Body Suddenly Very Relevant to People Who Can't Win a School Board Election in Missouri
GENEVA — In a move analysts are calling a ‘stunning diplomatic pivot,’ American progressive organizations have collectively discovered the existence of the United Nations, a global body they now believe is the last, best hope for overturning unfavorable election results in states like Florida, Texas, and Ohio.
Delegations from dozens of activist groups, once focused on local bake sales and yard sign distribution, were seen wandering the halls of the Palais des Nations this week, looking for the appropriate office to file a complaint about a new zoning ordinance in suburban Dallas.
“For years, we believed that real change came from the grassroots up,” said Chastity Evergreen, a spokesperson for the newly formed ‘Action Committee for Appealing Things We Don’t Like to Foreigners.’ “But we’ve learned that when the grassroots stubbornly vote the wrong way, you have to go over their heads. Way over. Preferably to a panel of unelected bureaucrats from countries with impeccable human rights records, like Venezuela and Iran, who sit on the Human Rights Council.”
The committee’s newfound love for multilateralism represents a dramatic shift from its earlier stances. A now-deleted 2018 manifesto on their website, titled “Globalism: A Tool of Homogenous Western Power Structures,” argued that appealing to international bodies was “a fraught exercise in neo-colonial paternalism.”
When asked about the change, Evergreen clarified. “That was before the 2022 midterms. We’ve since evolved our position to recognize that neo-colonial paternalism can be a force for good, as long as it’s directed at people who own pickup trucks.”
From Local Grievance to International Incident
The list of grievances being presented to various UN subcommittees is extensive. Reports indicate that the UN Special Rapporteur on the Right to Adequate Housing is currently reviewing a petition regarding a rent increase at a luxury apartment complex in Austin, Texas. Meanwhile, UNESCO has reportedly been asked to declare a Brooklyn coffee shop a World Heritage Site to protect it from the threat of a Starbucks opening two blocks away.
“I just filed a formal complaint with the Committee Against Torture about my county’s decision to remove certain ideologically driven books from the 3rd-grade curriculum,” said one activist, Kyle, who traveled to Geneva on a ticket funded by his parents. “Subjecting children to books that don’t affirm every single one of our modern-day political narratives is, frankly, cruel and unusual. The representative from North Korea seemed very sympathetic.”
This strategic shift has been a learning experience for many. One group, ‘Cyclists for a Just Tomorrow,’ accidentally filed a complaint about a lack of bike lanes in Boise, Idaho, with the International Atomic Energy Agency.
“It was an honest mistake,” the group’s founder tweeted. “But while we were there, we did ask them if nuclear weapons could be used to enforce traffic laws in bike-only lanes. They said they’d form a sub-committee to look into it, which is more progress than we ever got from city council.”
A New Hope for Those Who Dislike Democracy's Outcomes
Political observers note that this turn toward global institutions provides a convenient release valve for progressives frustrated by the limitations of the American democratic process.
“When you truly believe your policy positions are not just correct, but morally infallible, then any democratic outcome that rejects them cannot be legitimate,” explained one political scientist who wished to remain anonymous to avoid being canceled. “Therefore, appealing to an external, unaccountable body isn't an anti-democratic act; it’s a righteous attempt to correct democracy’s errors. It’s a feature, not a bug.”
Buoyed by their warm reception in Geneva, the coalition is already planning its next steps. An exploratory committee is being formed to see if NATO can be invoked to protect pronoun circles from microaggressions, and there are whispers of appealing to the World Trade Organization to sanction states that refuse to fund public art installations.
“Ultimately, this is about global citizenship,” Evergreen concluded, holding up a copy of the UN Declaration of Human Rights. “We’ve discovered that this document contains the right to pretty much anything we want, as long as you interpret it creatively enough. And if the people in your town or state disagree? Well, that’s what the international community is for.”
