Nation’s Pundits Who Wrote 8,000 Op-Eds Demanding Big Tech Be Dismantled Now Worried Government Might Go Too Far
WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a stunning philosophical pivot that has sent shockwaves through the nation’s artisanal coffee shops and co-working spaces, members of the progressive media establishment have suddenly discovered a deep appreciation for corporate sovereignty and the dangers of an overzealous federal government.
The catalyst for this mass intellectual awakening appears to be the Department of Justice’s recently reported antitrust investigation into major media companies, including several that happen to sign the paychecks of journalists who, until last Tuesday, believed all corporate entities larger than a food truck were a clear and present danger to democracy.
“We must be careful not to use the blunt instrument of government to stifle innovation and synergy in a complex, vertically-integrated media ecosystem,” wrote Alistair Finch, a senior columnist for The Weekly Outrage, in a panicked editorial published yesterday. This came as a surprise to readers who recalled his column from last month, titled, “It’s Time To Use The Blunt Instrument of Government To Smash Big Ag, Big Pharma, Big Tech, and Big Seltzer.”
Finch is not alone. For years, a chorus of media voices has called for the heads of every CEO from Silicon Valley to Bentonville, demanding that federal regulators break up successful companies for the crime of being successful. These calls were often framed as a noble crusade for the common good. Now that the Eye of Sauron, also known as the DOJ’s Antitrust Division, has swiveled toward their own glass towers, the mood has shifted from righteous indignation to nervous throat-clearing.
A Sudden Appreciation for Nuance
Sources inside one major cable news network report a tense all-hands meeting where producers who once cheered on congressional hearings against tech billionaires were suddenly seen frantically Googling “benign monopoly.”
“Look, when we said ‘break them up,’ we were talking about the bad companies,” explained one anonymous cable news host, sipping a kale smoothie. “You know, the ones that make things people want and deliver them efficiently. We’re different. We provide a vital public service: telling people exactly what to be angry about each morning. That’s not a commodity; it’s an art form.”
The hypocrisy has reached such a fever pitch that the Center for Public Morality, a progressive think tank, has already revised its landmark paper, “Why Corporate Consolidation is the Root of All Evil.” The new version, hastily retitled “Why Corporate Consolidation is Sometimes Necessary for Amplifying Approved Narratives,” is expected to be released next week.
The paper’s author, Dr. Willow Evergreen, clarified the group's position. “Our research has always been nuanced,” she stated, adjusting her spectacles. “When a handful of companies control, say, the entire supply of cat food, that’s a threat to every feline in the republic. But when a handful of companies control the flow of all information, that’s just responsible stewardship of the public discourse.”
The Real Fear: Ideological Competition
Behind the newfound appreciation for laissez-faire economics lies a deeper, more existential terror: the fear of competition. For years, a small number of media conglomerates have enjoyed a comfortable monopoly on the national conversation, ensuring a consistent ideological message from coast to coast.
If these giants were broken into smaller, nimbler pieces, it could lead to a chaotic flourishing of diverse viewpoints and uncontrolled opinions—a terrifying prospect for those accustomed to a well-managed echo chamber.
“Imagine a world with dozens of independent news outlets, all competing for viewers with different perspectives,” whispered a terrified media analyst, who requested anonymity to protect his six-figure consulting gig. “Someone might accidentally hear a point of view we haven’t pre-approved. The very fabric of society could unravel.”
As the DOJ investigation proceeds, watch for a new wave of thoughtful, nuanced op-eds from the very same people who previously used a rhetorical sledgehammer on every other industry. It turns out that when it’s your ox being gored—or in this case, your multi-billion dollar parent company—the abstract principles of trust-busting suddenly seem a lot more complicated.
