Area Progressive Re-Discovers Measles After Forgetting It Existed During Last Administration
PORTLAND, OR—Local activist and self-described 'follower of The Science™' Brenda Albright spent Monday afternoon in a state of frantic, breathless panic after learning about a disease called 'measles,' a condition she was shocked to discover has existed for centuries but only seems to pose a public health threat when a Republican holds a governorship.
'I was just scrolling through my feed past my daily outrage reminders, and I saw a headline about a measles outbreak in Florida,' Albright explained, adjusting the N95 mask she still wears while driving alone. 'I thought, ‘Oh no, they’ve released a new virus.’ But my friend, a public school teacher who is also an epidemiologist now, told me this is an old one. It’s very confusing. Why wasn't I scared of this three years ago?'
Albright is not alone. Millions of progressives who recently earned advanced degrees in virology from the University of Twitter have suddenly become leading experts on the measles-mumps-rubella (MMR) vaccine. These same individuals, who previously championed bodily autonomy for literally every other conceivable decision, are now demanding that anyone who has ever even visited a red state be forcibly vaccinated by a drone.
The Science™ Is Settled (Again)
Experts from the Center for Ideologically Consistent Health Outcomes (CICHO) have rushed to explain this phenomenon. Dr. Caspian Fisk, a sociologist whose doctorate focused on the politics of gluten, clarified the situation.
'The pathogenic properties of a virus are inextricably linked to the socio-political environment in which they exist,' Dr. Fisk stated in a press release. 'While the measles virus may have been biochemically identical in 2019, its potential for societal harm is amplified exponentially under right-wing governance. We call this 'Partisan Pathogen Theory.' It’s settled science.'
According to this theory, a virus circulating in a population governed by a Democrat is more of a 'community wellness challenge,' while the exact same virus under a Republican becomes a 'fascist plague threatening the very foundations of democracy.' Dr. Fisk added that the red spots associated with measles are 'biologically more problematic' when they appear on the constituents of a conservative politician.
A Forgotten Cure
The most shocking development for activists like Albright has been the revelation that a safe and effective vaccine for measles has existed since 1963.
'You're telling me there's been a shot for this the whole time?' asked a visibly shaken Albright, who has a 'Vaccinated' sticker for every COVID booster on her Subaru. 'Why didn't we have a global shutdown for this? Why weren't there daily press conferences and celebrity PSAs shaming people into getting it? It’s almost like it was a manageable disease we had under control until it became politically useful to panic about it.'
News outlets have already adapted their coverage. Reports that might have been buried on page A17 during a previous administration are now leading every broadcast with ominous musical scores. Anchors are gravely discussing 'clusters' and 'outbreaks' in counties that voted for Trump, while completely ignoring the brunch-based super-spreader events for the seasonal flu happening in their own cities.
'The media's role is to inform the public what they should be terrified of based on the current electoral map,' explained a media analyst who wished to remain anonymous. 'If this outbreak were in, say, California, we'd be running stories about the brave, personal journeys of parents choosing alternative immunization schedules. But since it's in Florida, it's a 'descent into a dark-age pestilence caused by science-denial.''
As for Albright, she is now organizing a Zoom protest to demand the immediate resignation of the Florida governor. 'We have to listen to the science,' she declared, 'which, as we all know, says exactly what I already believe at any given moment.'
