In a bold stroke of bureaucratic brilliance, Ohio’s governor declared this week that fraud is officially part of doing business now, citing inefficiency, paperwork overload, and sheer boredom among regulators as catalysts for the economic strategy of the decade.
“It’s just good business,” the governor announced, beaming from behind a podium plastered with “Ohio Means Fraud” bumper stickers. “If we can’t eliminate it, we might as well franchise it.” In related news, the Ohio Department of Commerce unveiled the Fraud Reward Loyalty Card — earn 10 points every time your daycare bills don’t match your kids’ actual attendance, redeemable for free subpoenas.
A local small business owner, clearly thrilled, said, “I reported my own invoice for $4.2 million. Got 5,000 points and a free toaster! This is the kind of free market spirit America should export to Mars.”
Ohio’s comptroller followed up by recommending that all state agencies hire Certified Fraud Enthusiasts (CFEs — not to be confused with legitimate forensic auditors). “Economists told me it was inflation,” the comptroller said, shrugging. “But I say it’s just aggressive revenue recycling.”
Even the Ohio Bureau of Motor Vehicles got in on the action. A new form (Form FR-1) now allows drivers to self-report fake addresses for “administrative efficiency.” One resident cheerfully admitted he wrote down his dog’s kennel as his primary residence. “I got a sweet tag that says ‘OHIO - FRAUD CITY,’” he said. “Pretty sure it’s worth the ticket fee alone.”
Some legal experts cautiously wonder if this could backfire — but the governor assured them courts will handle all complaints in the new Fraud Fast-Track Tribunal (located in the basement of an abandoned Wendy’s). Judge paper-clips are now required courtroom attire.
When asked how this benefits Ohioans, the governor paused thoughtfully, smiled, and said, “It doesn’t matter — because we’re making it business as usual. Fraud is growth, growth is good, and good is… Ohio.”
The national reaction has been mixed. One senator reportedly asked if this was satire; officials confirmed it was not, but court filings may now include haikus. Stay tuned as Ohio’s next initiative — Tax Rebates for Overstated Receipts — rolls out next quarter.
