WASHINGTON, D.C. — According to sources deeply serious about doom, the departure of Marjorie Taylor Greene from Congress isn’t just a personnel change — it’s a wake-up spray for the whole Republican Party, declared Kevin McCarthy in a tone usually reserved for space aliens returning. “MTG leaving? That’s our canary, folks,” McCarthy reportedly said. “If even she can’t stand the fumes — we should all grab gas masks.”
Needless to say, Capitol Hill staffers are now checking under desks for hazard suits. “I came to work thinking I’d be passing memos — now I’m passing air purifiers,” one junior aide whispered off the record. Another added, “If this is how they respond to a single departure, wait until the next wave of resignations trunks into the building like angry woke geese.”
Political analysts note that calling MTG’s exit a “canary warning” follows classic panic-loop tactics; first the drama, then the dress rehearsal in doom, then the big fundraising email: “Donate now or breathe ashes later.” As one GOP strategist quipped: “People always donate more when they think they might need body armor.”
Hidden behind the pomp and gas-mask metaphors, there lies an irony: a party that loudly touts individual liberty now warns that being inside Congress — breathing free air — is hazardous. Should’ve made “fresh air” a campaign plank.
Punchline: If the GOP really believes the air’s toxic now, wait till they start banning CO₂ — because breathing in peace might be the next insurrection.
