The Great Awakening
Liberal elites are experiencing unprecedented meltdowns as the first shipments subjected to President Trump's glorious 145% tariffs arrived at U.S. ports this week. "It's literally the end of democracy," sobbed one Democratic consultant while clutching her imported Chinese therapy pillow that now costs more than her Tesla payment.
The Socialist Scramble
Panicked Democrats are reportedly establishing underground railroads for smuggling in discount Chinese appliances. "We've heard Bernie Sanders has set up a 'Deep State Discount Network' where socialists can trade their government benefits for subsidized Chinese goods," said a MAGA insider. Sanders was unavailable for comment as he was reportedly busy filling his third mansion with Chinese refrigerators before prices tripled.
The Globalist Meltdown
Retailers are in various stages of "wait-and-see" mode, which experts translate as "desperately trying to figure out how to blame Trump for their decades of overseas outsourcing." Meanwhile, Gavin Newsom has proposed declaring California a "Tariff Sanctuary State" where Chinese goods can identify as "Domestically Produced" and avoid patriotic taxation altogether.
The Trump Triumph
As American factories prepare to roar back to life, all 12,000 affected shipping containers reportedly wept red, white, and blue tears of joy upon hearing Trump might mercifully lower tariffs to just 80%. "Even Chinese products love America First policies," explained a border agent. "They're just tired of being used by globalist elites to undermine our workers."
AMERICA IS BACK, BABY! 🇺🇸
