Institution Runs Out of Other People's Money After Commissioning 'The Choreography of Reparations'
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Officials at the John F. Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts announced Tuesday that, following decades of bold artistic choices and innovative fiscal strategies, the institution is on the verge of what they are calling 'post-financial sustainability,' a progressive term for bankruptcy. The board confirmed they will need to sell off non-essential assets like seating, plumbing, and structural support beams to fund one final, magnificent performance about the evils of fiscal solvency.
The announcement comes just months after the center reportedly sought hundreds of millions in federal aid to cover its pension obligations, a move insiders say was necessary after the center's 401(k) fund was reallocated to invest exclusively in ethically-sourced, non-binary wind chimes.
For years, the Kennedy Center has been a trailblazer, moving away from outdated, problematic productions like 'The Phantom of the Opera' and 'My Fair Lady,' which featured such troubling elements as melodies, coherent plots, and ticket sales. In their place, the center has championed groundbreaking works that challenge audiences to question their own desire to be entertained.
A Legacy of Innovation
Sources from the center’s programming department provided a partial list of recent, critically-ignored productions that contributed to the institution's vibrant financial collapse:
- 'Grievance: An Opera in Four Slams': A four-hour production where the cast, dressed in burlap sacks, rhythmically chanted passages from obscure sociology dissertations.
- 'Privilege,' a Silent Play: An avant-garde performance in which actors sat motionless on stage for 90 minutes, occasionally sighing to represent the burden of their unearned advantages. The production received a $2 million grant from the National Endowment for the Arts.
- 'The Eco-Feminist Ice Sculpture Garden': A seasonal exhibit featuring life-sized ice sculptures of prominent female climate activists that were designed to melt into a puddle, symbolizing the transient nature of existence and the national budget.
- 'Gluten is a Social Construct': An interpretive dance piece where performers threw artisanal, locally-milled flour at one another to deconstruct Western dietary norms. Cleaning costs reportedly exceeded box office receipts by 8,000%.
Despite dwindling attendance and mounting debt, the Center's leadership remains unbowed. 'To measure art by its commercial success is a profoundly capitalist, and frankly, violent act,' said Kennedy Center Artistic Director Dr. Chayden Willow-Brook in a press release printed on recycled hemp. 'Our goal was never to be solvent; it was to be brave. We have succeeded in creating a safe space from profit, and now we are creating a safe space from creditors.'
The Final Curtain Call
The Center’s final production, tentatively titled 'Capitalism: A Tragedy In Three Unfunded Acts,' is set to be its most ambitious. With the power grid set to be shut off, the performance will be lit entirely by a bonfire fueled by old playbills and foreclosure notices. The orchestra has been replaced by a single percussionist who will drum on an overturned water cooler.
Reaction from the public has been mixed. 'I used to take my grandkids to see 'The Nutcracker' here,' said tourist Gary Blevins of Akron, Ohio. 'Last year, they’d replaced it with a three-hour seminar on the colonialist undertones of the Sugar Plum Fairy. The kids cried. Not in a good, artistically-provoked way, either.'
As a gesture of goodwill, the Kennedy Center has announced that all remaining employees will be paid in 'experiential currency,' which includes preferred seating for the institution’s collapse and the right to forage for edible plants in the Presidential Grove. The board of directors has assured taxpayers that while the building may soon be empty, its legacy of producing incomprehensible, federally subsidized art will echo for generations.
