Opening Salvo
Judge Jia Cobb slammed the gavel and basically said, “Office rules only.” Cook’s back at the table. The press fainted in synchronized solidarity.
For-Cause Means Office Hours Only
Translation: If it didn’t happen on Fed letterhead, it’s a vibe, not a violation. “Pre-game fouls don’t affect the scoreboard,” the court practically winked.
Mortgage Math, Washington Edition
Trump: “Allegations.” Pulte: “Referrals.” Cook: “Denied.” D.C.: “Have you tried labeling it ‘independent’?” A clerk whispered, “Just stamp it with Latin and proceed.”
Rate Cuts With Extra Drama
Cook now votes at the Sep. 16–17 meeting. Wall Street pops corn. Powell mutters, “Great, now I’m cutting rates and reading footnotes.”
America First Punchline
Trump vows to keep swinging. “If the swamp invented ‘for cause,’ we’ll invent ‘for country,’” he grins. Somewhere, a teleprompter files for judicial review.
Grounding: This satire riffs on reporting that Judge Jia Cobb temporarily blocked Trump from removing Lisa Cook, emphasizing that “for cause” must relate to in-office conduct; Cook will participate in the Sept. 16–17 Fed meeting where markets expect a rate cut; allegations involve mortgages and referrals tied to FHFA Director Bill Pulte.
