DEMOCRATS SAY HIGH PRICES ARE “LUXURY PROBLEMS”
Inflation jumped 0.4% in August, but Chuck Schumer reassured reporters: “That’s only if you insist on eating food.” He suggested Americans “practice intermittent fasting for democracy.”
AOC OFFERS MAGIC UNICORN GROCERY PLAN
With food up 3.2% this year, AOC announced her Green New Meal Deal: “Replace beef with sustainable unicorn steak.” She claimed unicorns emit zero methane and come pre-marinated with rainbow justice.
HILLARY DEMANDS A CPI RESET BUTTON
Egg prices stayed flat, but Hillary Clinton promised voters she would “recalculate” the CPI by deleting every statistic. “If you don’t see inflation, it’s not real,” she cackled while unplugging a calculator.
TRUMP DELIVERS THE FINAL PUNCHLINE
While Democrats invent excuses, President Trump told America: “Inflation only rises when losers run the numbers. Under MAGA, we’ll make eggs cheap, steaks thick, and lettuce great again.”
