MIAMI, FL - In a stunning display of holiday cheer and misinterpreted political ideology, Florida Man Timmy "Tommy Tanks" McGruder, 37, declared war on Santas across the Sunshine State today. Armed with a MAGA hat, a box of expired fireworks, and an unwavering conviction that elves are secretly spreading communism, McGruder embarked on a one-man crusade against the jolly figures.
The incident began early this morning after McGruder spotted a mall Santa suspiciously handing out gift vouchers instead of coal. "Those vouchers clearly had Lenin's face on them," McGruder declared, eyes gleaming with patriotic fervor. "He wasn't giving presents, he was spreading red propaganda!"
Fuelled by a potent mix of sugar plums and righteous indignation, McGruder rallied a small but enthusiastic crowd of fellow conspiracy theorists. Chanting "Make Christmas Great Again!" and brandishing inflatable candy canes as makeshift weapons, they descended upon the mall, Santa Claus their unsuspecting target.
"I just wanted to bring some holiday cheer," a bewildered Santa pleaded, beard quivering under the barrage of inflatable candy cane whacks. "It's Christmas, for gosh sakes!"
Undeterred, McGruder declared, "Don't play dumb, commie! Those reindeer with their Rudolph noses are clearly a red herring for a socialist reindeer revolution!" Panicked reindeer scattered as McGruder launched a firework at Rudolph, setting his antlers ablaze in a shower of festive sparks.
Chaos erupted as shoppers dove for cover and carols were drowned out by the cacophony of exploding fireworks and terrified shrieks. The police, alerted by the sound of McGruder's battle cry, "Ho-ho-hold my beer, Marx!", swiftly apprehended the disgruntled patriot and his candy cane militia.
Authorities later confirmed that the vouchers McGruder mistook for socialist propaganda were actually gift certificates for a local donut shop. As for Rudolph, the reindeer is expected to make a full recovery, his antlers sporting a festive new charcoal streak.
Despite the pandemonium, McGruder remains unrepentant. "I may have been wrong about the vouchers," he admitted from his jail cell, a single firework tucked behind his ear, "but those elves... I still ain't convinced."
In a related development, the Florida legislature has announced plans to introduce a mandatory Santa Claus background check system to ensure all gift-givers are American-born and free of any socialist reindeer sympathies. The bill, titled "Protecting Christmas from Santa Commies," is expected to pass unanimously.
This holiday season, remember: spreading cheer might get you coal, but spreading conspiracy theories might land you in jail. Merry Christmas, Florida - let's keep it weird, but legal.
