With jets roaring overhead and liberal tears watering the Rose Garden, Trump declared America “a rocket ship.” CNN anchor seen Googling “how to emigrate to Venezuela.”
AOC ISSUES RED ALERT: “PEOPLE MIGHT KEEP THEIR MONEY!”
Congresswoman Ocasio-Cortez slammed the bill, warning it could lead to “dangerous levels of independence and job creation.” She proposed an emergency bill to replace tax refunds with feelings.
BERNIE ATTEMPTS TO TAX THE FLYOVER
Sanders called the military flyover “unnecessary capitalist sky-noise” and tried introducing a 97% patriotism surcharge. When asked why, he shouted, “Because billionaires!”
DEMOCRATS MELT DOWN LIKE SOGGY SOLAR PANELS IN TEXAS
Nancy Pelosi called it “a dark day for income redistribution.” Gavin Newsom declared California a “Federal Tax-Free Safe Space” and banned July 4th until further notice.
TRUMP ENDS CEREMONY BY HIGH-FIVING THE CONSTITUTION
As JD Vance wiped the ink off the pen, Trump fist-bumped Mount Rushmore. “America is back, baby,” he roared. Somewhere, Elizabeth Warren is composing a strongly worded smoke signal.
