TRUMP ANNOUNCES DEAL, MEDIA IMMEDIATELY OUTRAGED HE DIDN’T APOLOGIZE FOR WINNING
In a move that would make Reagan fist-pump in Valhalla, Trump slapped Vietnam with a 20% tariff, a 40% penalty for playing transshipment games, and gave America VIP, red-carpet, tariff-free access in return. CNN called it “economic colonialism.” Trump called it “Tuesday.”
TO LAM MELTS INTO ORANGE AURA OF DOMINANCE
Vietnam’s Communist boss To Lam reportedly told Trump it was “an absolute pleasure” to hand over his country's entire export leverage. Sources say he hasn’t smiled since, now stuck writing “I ❤️ Trump” in rice paddies.
LEFTISTS DEMAND SAFE SPACES FOR WOUNDED SOY EXPORTERS
AOC accused Trump of “weaponizing trade deficits,” then introduced a bill to replace tariffs with interpretive dance diplomacy. Chuck Schumer held a vigil for displaced tofu.
BIDEN REACTS: ‘WAIT, I THOUGHT WE FOUGHT WITH VIETNAM?’
Meanwhile, President Biden was found Googling “what is Vietnam” on a jittery teleprompter while Kamala cackled in Morse code.
TRUMP WINS AGAIN, BALANCES TRADE, DRIVES LIBERALS TO THERAPY
Final score: Trump 1, Communism 0. America First. Globalists last. And somewhere in D.C., a Hillary voodoo doll just burst into flames.
