In a groundbreaking economic pivot this week, federal officials unveiled a new strategy to combat inflation by encouraging Americans to “opt out emotionally” of rising prices.
The announcement comes after months of stubbornly high grocery bills, gas prices, and rent costs that economists had previously attempted to address using outdated tools like math and reality.
“Inflation is real—but only if you participate in it,” said one senior economic advisor while standing in front of a $14 carton of eggs. “We’re empowering Americans to reclaim their financial narrative.”
Under the new initiative, citizens are encouraged to reframe their spending experiences. A $9 latte is no longer “expensive,” but rather “an opportunity for mindful investment in joy.” Rent increases are to be viewed as “spatial appreciation events.”
The program, titled Build Back Better Feelings, includes federally funded workshops where Americans can practice saying things like, “I am not broke, I am pre-rich,” and “This grocery bill is a journey.”
“We’ve seen tremendous success in pilot cities,” said one program coordinator. “In one case, a man walked into a supermarket, saw the total, and instead of panicking, he simply whispered, ‘I reject this reality,’ and left his cart behind. That’s progress.”
Critics have raised concerns that the strategy does not actually lower prices, but officials insist that’s missing the point.
“Look, numbers are historically oppressive,” explained a spokesperson. “If we can liberate Americans from the tyranny of arithmetic, we’ve already won.”
Meanwhile, major corporations have reportedly embraced the initiative, rolling out new marketing campaigns aligned with the administration’s guidance. One grocery chain now labels price tags as “suggested emotional interpretations,” while a gas station chain replaced its digital price boards with affirmations like “You’re doing great.”
Not everyone is convinced.
“I tried the program,” said Ohio resident Mark Ellison. “I told myself my $300 grocery bill was just a ‘growth experience.’ Then my bank account had a very different growth experience.”
Still, officials remain optimistic, noting that early polling shows a 12% increase in Americans reporting they “feel slightly less devastated” when checking receipts.
Faith leaders have also weighed in, cautiously supportive but urging discernment.
“Contentment is a virtue,” said Pastor Daniel Reeves. “But even Scripture doesn’t suggest pretending five loaves cost fifty dollars.”
The administration has hinted that future phases of the program may include redefining debt as “future abundance anticipation” and taxes as “involuntary generosity opportunities.”
At press time, officials confirmed they are also exploring a companion initiative to address the national debt by simply agreeing not to look at it anymore.
