The White House announced Monday the creation of the Federal Office of National Feelings Stability, a groundbreaking agency tasked with protecting Americans from “harmful emotional turbulence” caused by modern political discourse.
Officials described the department as “essential infrastructure for democracy.”
The agency will reportedly monitor nationwide emotional conditions using AI-powered sentiment scanners, TikTok activity, and panic-level measurements gathered from Starbucks conversations.
Citizens exhibiting signs of “unapproved frustration” may receive mandatory wellness interventions, including therapy podcasts and government-issued weighted blankets.
“This isn’t about surveillance,” clarified Director of Emotional Resilience Kaylee Everhart. “It’s about compassion with subpoena authority.”
According to leaked briefing documents, Americans will now receive a monthly Emotional Equity Score measuring their commitment to positivity, inclusion, and compliance with approved narratives.
High-scoring citizens may qualify for benefits like shorter TSA lines and access to oat-milk tax credits.
Low scorers, however, could face temporary restrictions on social media posting until completing a federally supervised empathy workshop.
One Ohio father reportedly dropped twelve points after muttering “this gas is ridiculous” at a Costco parking lot.
“He displayed unauthorized pessimism regarding economic progress,” explained an agency spokesperson. “That kind of negativity can spread.”
The office has already partnered with major tech companies to identify “emotionally destabilizing content,” including memes, barbecue podcasts, and comments sections mentioning common sense.
One proposed pilot program would send wellness counselors directly to homes where residents exceed healthy daily limits of sarcasm.
Meanwhile, MSNBC analysts praised the initiative as “the natural evolution of democracy.”
“This is how mature societies function,” said one commentator. “Freedom means ensuring nobody feels unsafe because someone disagrees with them.”
Faith leaders raised concerns after government training materials reportedly classified prayer as “non-regulated emotional processing.”
Pastor Daniel Reeves called the agency “the first bureaucracy in history capable of auditing your mood before breakfast.”
The office also released a list of officially discouraged phrases, including:
- “That doesn’t make sense”
- “Can we afford this?”
- “What happened to common sense?”
Americans are instead encouraged to use healthier alternatives like “I celebrate this evolving reality.”
The rollout immediately encountered problems when the agency’s own staff began suffering emotional burnout after reading comments online.
Several employees required emergency counseling after exposure to Facebook dads using laughing emojis.
Despite early criticism, administration officials insist the agency will unify the nation.
“America has been divided for too long,” Everhart explained. “It’s time we all started feeling exactly the same way.”
The announcement concluded with reporters receiving complimentary herbal tea packets and a federally approved breathing exercise before being allowed to ask questions.
