Congressional Democrats unveiled a new proposal Tuesday requiring all copies of the U.S. Constitution to carry federally approved trigger warnings after interns on Capitol Hill reportedly experienced “severe emotional distress” while reading the First Amendment.
The bill, officially titled the Foundational Sensitivity and Civic Wellness Act, would require warning labels on historical documents containing “outdated liberty concepts capable of causing discomfort in modern governance environments.”
Staffers said the crisis began when a congressional aide accidentally encountered the phrase “shall not be infringed” during a training seminar.
“We lost three interns immediately,” explained Representative Mallory Vane while standing beside an emotional-support whiteboard. “One curled into a beanbag chair after discovering citizens once had rights without needing federal permission.”
Under the proposal, future readers would first be required to complete a six-hour emotional preparedness course before accessing any founding documents.
Warning labels would reportedly include statements such as:
- May contain individual freedom
- Potentially harmful references to religion
- Unexpected limitations on government authority
One Senate office reportedly evacuated after a junior aide stumbled upon the Tenth Amendment and mistakenly believed federal agencies might not control every aspect of human life.
“It was chaos,” said Capitol Police spokesman Derek Holloway. “Several staffers began asking dangerous questions about constitutional limits. Thankfully, counselors arrived quickly.”
The Department of Education immediately endorsed the legislation, calling the Constitution “an important but emotionally complicated artifact from America’s pre-therapy era.”
Meanwhile, universities praised Congress for modernizing civics education.
Harvard Professor Skylar Moonwater applauded the move, saying students should never feel pressured to interpret documents through “rigid systems like literacy or original meaning.”
Instead, the Constitution would now be taught through “emotion-centered democratic storytelling circles.”
One activist group has already demanded the Second Amendment be rewritten to reference “community kindness tools” instead of firearms.
Another coalition called for replacing “We the People” with “We the Emotionally Diverse Stakeholders.”
Critics blasted the proposal as absurd government overreach, though lawmakers quickly clarified that “overreach” itself is now classified as harmful rhetoric.
The White House attempted to calm concerns by insisting Americans would still retain all federally approved freedoms.
“You’ll still have freedom of speech,” one official explained, “provided your speech has completed the proper sensitivity certification process.”
The controversy escalated after leaked documents revealed Congress may also add trigger warnings to the Declaration of Independence due to “aggressive anti-monarchy energy.”
Despite backlash, supporters insist the initiative represents progress.
“We’re not censoring history,” Representative Vane assured reporters. “We’re simply protecting Americans from accidental exposure to unrestricted liberty.”
The press conference ended abruptly after one lawmaker accidentally quoted Thomas Jefferson and was immediately placed on administrative leave for “historical recklessness.”
