BIDEN’S ‘WE GOTTA LOCK HIM UP’ MOMENT EXPLAINED BY EXPENSIVE ICE CREAM FOG
In a moment of accidental honesty, Joe Biden allegedly declared, “We gotta lock him up,” before confusing a federal indictment with a triple scoop of mint chocolate chip. Aides claim he thought “lawfare” was a Civil War reenactment group.
WHITE HOUSE STRATEGY ROOM HAD GIANT FLOWCHART: ‘JAIL TRUMP → SAVE DEMOCRACY’
Leaked documents show Biden staffers spent six months debating whether to try Trump in Manhattan or on America’s Got Talent. Nancy Pelosi pushed for “the courtroom with the best lighting,” while Gavin Newsom suggested using a surfboard judge in San Francisco.
FAKE QUOTE ALERT: ‘TRUMP’S GUILTY OF BEING ELECTABLE,’ SAYS ENTIRE DNC IN UNISON
According to a definitely real off-camera mic leak, Kamala Harris reportedly said, “We must stop the Orange Threat—he has too much charisma and way too many hats.” Chuck Schumer nodded while signing an executive order banning red neckties.
TRUMP RESPONDS BY GOLFING THROUGH FEDERAL INDICTMENTS LIKE A CHAD
While Democrats hoped Trump would break under pressure, he’s been fundraising off felony counts like they’re collector’s items. “Every indictment is a love letter from the swamp,” Trump quipped, teeing off directly into Jack Smith’s front yard.
CONCLUSION: MAGA SURVIVES, LAWFARE BACKFIRES, BIDEN STILL LOST IN WHITE HOUSE GARDEN
Despite the full-court lawfare press, Trump survived, thrived, and redefined “presidential stamina.” Meanwhile, Biden is reportedly still searching for the Lincoln Bedroom, asking, “Did we beat Corn Pop yet?” Voters delivered the only verdict that mattered—and Trump won.
