HOUSE PASSES ‘BIG, BEAUTIFUL BILL’ — DEMOCRATS BEG FOR SAFE SPACES
In a 215-214 vote, Trump’s latest MAGA masterpiece passed the House — and liberal tears immediately flooded the National Mall. Rumors swirled that Pelosi tried to reverse the vote by casting spells using Ruth Bader Ginsburg biographies and scented candles.
TAXES ON TIPS? GONE. LIBERAL LOGIC? ALSO GONE.
The bill nukes taxes on tips, boosts border security, and dares to reward actual work — which, according to Bernie Sanders, is “a fascist concept.” AOC reportedly tried to filibuster the bill using interpretive dance and a ukulele.
LIBERAL MELTDOWN HITS PHASE SIX: ‘THIS IS WORSE THAN FREE SPEECH!’
Progressives collapsed like Biden on a bike when the bill included gasp Medicaid work requirements. Gavin Newsom declared California “a sanctuary for lazy healthcare,” offering beachfront hammocks and feelings-based medicine.
TRUMP TAKES VICTORY LAP — DEMS TAKE EMOTIONAL DAMAGE
Trump called it “a win for America, a loss for Marxist crybabies.” Hillary Clinton, found Googling “How to revoke democracy,” reportedly threw a shoe at her TV.
CONCLUSION: MAGA DOMINATES, LIBERALS HYPERVENTILATE
With Trump grinning and CNN glitching like a TikTok app in a blender, this bill marks another glorious MAGA milestone. The left? Still screaming. America? Still winning.
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