Congressional leaders unveiled a groundbreaking new initiative this week aimed at combating “religious misinformation” by releasing the nation’s first federally fact-checked Bible.
The revised edition reportedly includes updated language, sensitivity disclaimers, and QR codes linking readers directly to approved government interpretations whenever scripture risks sounding too absolute.
Officials insist the project is necessary to prevent dangerous outbreaks of unauthorized moral clarity.
“We’re not changing the Bible,” explained one federal consultant while aggressively highlighting entire chapters in red ink. “We’re simply adding context so citizens don’t accidentally develop convictions.”
Among the reported updates:
“Judge not” now includes a footnote clarifying that it applies exclusively to progressive activists.
The phrase “male and female He created them” has reportedly been replaced with “terms and conditions may vary.”
And the Book of Revelation now begins with a warning label advising readers not to “spread apocalyptic conspiracy theories without peer-reviewed consensus.”
The rollout immediately received praise from media commentators who called the revised scripture “a long-overdue modernization of dangerous first-century content.”
“This Bible finally reflects our national values,” said one cable news analyst. “Americans deserve a faith tradition that evolves every six minutes.”
Religious leaders appeared less enthusiastic.
Pastor Michael Jennings of Oklahoma reportedly stared silently into the distance for eleven straight minutes after reading the revised Beatitudes, which now include: “Blessed are the influencers, for they shall inherit verified status.”
“They removed repentance and added emotional wellness exercises,” Jennings said. “At one point Jesus apparently apologizes for multiplying fish without environmental permits.”
The updated Bible also includes an entire appendix dedicated to “microaggressions in ancient Israel,” as well as a federally funded glossary redefining sin as “a historically misunderstood expression of personal authenticity.”
Government officials defended the changes as part of a broader national effort to reduce extremism.
“We’ve seen alarming spikes in citizens quoting scripture without expert supervision,” warned one Department of Civic Harmony spokesperson. “That kind of free-range theology threatens democracy.”
Meanwhile, seminary students nationwide reportedly began panic-buying older Bibles from antique stores, garage sales, and suspicious men behind Cracker Barrel restaurants.
One student claimed he traded a used pickup truck for a 1994 King James Version “before the authorities added climate disclosures to Genesis.”
Progressive activists celebrated the rollout with candlelight readings from the newly revised Ten Suggestions, formerly known as the Ten Commandments.
“Commandments felt exclusionary,” explained activist Rachel Bloomfield. “Suggestions create a more affirming spiritual environment.”
At press time, Congress announced work had already begun on a companion children’s edition titled Goodnight Moon, But Only If The Moon Identifies That Way.
