The Trump administration announced Sunday that future Middle East diplomacy will be conducted entirely through a massive international group chat after officials concluded traditional negotiations were too slow and involved too many diplomats pretending to understand each other.
The new initiative, called “PeaceThread,” reportedly includes Israel, Iran, several Gulf nations, three confused European leaders, and one uncle who accidentally joined while trying to update his phone.
Administration officials say the move came after another round of missile exchanges threatened delicate ceasefire discussions.
“Frankly, we noticed most international crises start because somebody doesn’t return a call,” explained Secretary of Strategic Messaging Brad Holloway. “Now everyone can simply react with a thumbs-up emoji and avoid regional conflict.”
According to leaked screenshots, the first diplomatic breakthrough occurred when Israel posted, “You hit us first,” followed immediately by Iran posting, “Technically…”
The argument continued for six hours before President Trump reportedly entered the chat with the message:
“Everybody chill. We’re very close to a deal. Also who keeps changing the group name?”
Officials say tensions eased significantly after both sides became distracted trying to identify which participant kept posting GIFs of cats wearing military uniforms.
International observers praised the innovation.
“For decades we've relied on treaties, summits, and negotiations,” said one analyst. “Turns out what humanity really needed was a mute-notifications button.”
The United Nations has expressed concern that the arrangement lacks diplomatic rigor.
Those concerns intensified after screenshots revealed several world leaders had formed private side chats called “Real PeaceThread” and “Actual Real PeaceThread.”
Meanwhile, European diplomats reportedly spent hours drafting a 48-page response statement only to discover everyone else had settled the dispute using a fire emoji and a handshake emoji.
White House aides insist the program is working.
“The missile launches have decreased,” said Holloway.
“Why?”
“Everyone's busy arguing about who removed whom from the chat.”
At press time, negotiators were celebrating progress after Iran agreed to stop launching missiles provided nobody ever again uses the phrase “per my last message.
