Political leaders spent much of the week debating a controversial government fund, prompting officials to unveil an even larger initiative dedicated to helping Americans cope with political drama itself.
The proposed Department of Emotional Reparations would provide direct payments to citizens forced to witness elected officials arguing on television.
Experts estimate nearly 330 million Americans may qualify.
"This crisis has gone on long enough," declared Acting Secretary of Feelings Brenda Comfort. "People are exhausted from watching politicians accuse each other of corruption every six minutes."
Under the proposal, Americans would receive compensation based on the number of political controversies they endured during the previous fiscal year.
Premium benefits would be available for citizens exposed to cable news for more than four consecutive hours.
One participant in the pilot program reportedly received enough compensation to retire after watching three congressional hearings and a Sunday morning talk show.
The Treasury Department initially questioned whether the nation could afford the initiative.
Those concerns disappeared after lawmakers explained that budget math becomes less important whenever a proposal sounds compassionate.
Political consultants immediately endorsed the plan.
"For years we've been creating the trauma," said one strategist. "It's only fair we profit from treating it."
Meanwhile, advocacy organizations demanded additional protections for vulnerable populations exposed to social media.
One proposal would establish federally funded Quiet Rooms where Americans could recover after seeing politicians post online.
The rooms would feature comfortable chairs, coffee, and strict prohibitions against the phrase "our democracy."
Several lawmakers praised the initiative as a rare opportunity for bipartisan cooperation.
Republicans supported compensating citizens for listening to government experts.
Democrats supported compensating citizens for listening to Republicans.
Polls showed overwhelming public approval.
A majority of voters reported they were willing to support almost any program as long as it reduced the number of campaign emails arriving before breakfast.
Not everyone was convinced.
One pastor questioned whether government payments could solve a problem created by excessive political obsession.
His comments were immediately ignored because they sounded suspiciously reasonable.
At press time, lawmakers were considering an amendment providing hazard pay to Americans who accidentally read the comments section beneath political news stories.
Budget analysts warned the measure could bankrupt the federal government within a week.
