City leaders celebrated the launch of their bold new "Equitable Prosperity Initiative" this week by unveiling a waiting list so comprehensive that residents can now stand in line for things they never knew they wanted.
Officials described the program as "fairness through coordinated inconvenience."
"This is what progress looks like," declared Deputy Commissioner of Shared Expectations, Linda Marrow. "Nobody gets ahead if everyone waits together."
The city immediately introduced appointments to schedule appointments.
Residents seeking permits are now encouraged to reserve a preliminary consultation to discuss eligibility for the application packet explaining how to request a future consultation.
"It's remarkably efficient," Marrow explained. "The average citizen only fills out seventeen forms before learning which office actually handles their request."
Local coffee shops quickly embraced the initiative by replacing menus with lottery drawings.
"We wanted to remove the privilege of choosing your own drink," said one café owner. "Today I ordered a cappuccino and received municipal tap water. Equality never tasted so refreshing."
Housing officials announced a groundbreaking affordability program in which every apartment is simultaneously too expensive and unavailable.
"It's important that disappointment be universally accessible," one planner explained.
Economists questioned whether the plan might discourage investment.
"Nonsense," responded the city's newly appointed Director of Optimistic Mathematics. "Our spreadsheets contain nothing but upward arrows. Reality simply hasn't caught up yet."
Meanwhile, entrepreneurs reportedly fled across county lines carrying little more than briefcases, calculators, and expressions normally associated with airport security lines.
Church leaders quietly reminded congregations that generosity works best when it begins voluntarily rather than through seventeen departments and three advisory commissions.
"We've found people become surprisingly charitable when they're free to succeed first," one pastor observed.
The comment was immediately referred to the Office of Unapproved Common Sense.
City Hall dismissed criticism, insisting every failed prediction merely proved the need for even larger programs.
"Our previous plan didn't fail," officials clarified. "It simply lacked sufficient funding, authority, staffing, regulations, consultants, and commemorative banners."
Construction crews later unveiled a massive statue honoring the city's newest civic virtue: Managed Expectations.
The monument features an empty wallet heroically reaching toward a government office that closes precisely five minutes before anyone arrives.
Officials called it their most realistic public artwork to date.
