The nation's bureaucratic class reportedly entered what officials described as a "multi-agency emotional processing period" Thursday after another Supreme Court decision reminded Washington that the Constitution still exists and occasionally expects to be read.
Witnesses said several federal buildings immediately lowered their flags to half-staff—not in mourning for a person, but for executive overreach.
"It's incredibly difficult to govern when ancient documents keep appearing in court," sighed Acting Deputy Assistant Director of Constitutional Flexibility, Miranda Staples. "Every time we think we've found a creative workaround, someone dusts off Article II or the Bill of Rights. Frankly, it's exhausting."
Federal employees were reportedly offered counseling sessions featuring coloring books labeled My Feelings About Checks and Balances.
The National Archives confirmed that the Constitution itself had been briefly flagged as "problematic content" after staff complained it lacked modern inclusivity language and contained too many restrictions on government.
"It never asks how agencies feel," explained one anonymous policy advisor. "It's all 'shall not' this and 'Congress shall' that. The document could really benefit from a sensitivity editor."
Several think tanks proposed replacing constitutional interpretation with an AI chatbot trained exclusively on agency press releases.
Legal scholars expressed concern.
"If bureaucrats become accountable to the actual law," warned Professor Elliot Crumble of the Institute for Administrative Wellness, "they may have to ask Congress for permission before creating entire industries of regulations. Nobody wants that level of inconvenience."
Meanwhile, cable news panels quickly assembled emergency roundtables featuring twelve constitutional experts who had not read the Constitution since high school but remained confident it obviously supported whichever position generated the most advertising revenue.
Outside the Supreme Court, protesters carried signs reading, "Democracy Means Doing Whatever We Already Decided."
Nearby, counter-protesters quietly held pocket Constitutions. Television cameras reportedly avoided them because the documents lacked sufficient visual drama.
White House staff denied rumors that the administration had attempted to update the Constitution overnight using an automatic software patch labeled Version 2.0: Now With Less Separation of Powers.
"Our respect for the Constitution has never been stronger," one official insisted. "We simply believe it should become more... aspirational."
At press time, Congress had announced a bipartisan task force to determine whether reading laws before enforcing them constituted an unreasonable burden on government employees.
The committee expects to release its findings shortly after discovering where it left the Constitution.
