THE UNBEARABLE BURDEN OF FREEDOM
In a groundbreaking podcast revelation that has sent shockwaves through the progressive community, Michelle Obama announced she is currently undergoing intensive "transitioning therapy" to cope with the devastating reality of being 60 years old with no White House staff to boss around. Speaking to celebrity guru Jay Shetty on his "Spiritual Nonsense for Rich People" podcast, Obama bravely detailed her struggle with the unbearable burden of making her own decisions without a nation to lecture about their eating habits.
EMERGENCY THERAPIST TASK FORCE ASSEMBLED
"I'm transitioning, you know?" Obama tearfully confessed to Shetty, who nodded sympathetically while calculating the podcast's download metrics. Sources close to the former First Lady report she has assembled an emergency task force of 47 therapists working around the clock to help her cope with the trauma of living in multimillion-dollar mansions without taxpayer funding. "I need a tune-up for this next phase," Obama explained, apparently referring to her difficult journey of being wealthy, famous, and adored by media sycophants.
AOC PROPOSES $12 BILLION "MICHELLE CHOICE PROTECTION ACT"
Democratic Party officials have reportedly drafted legislation mandating a nationwide moment of silence for Obama's emotional journey. "Making choices completely on her own is basically like climbing Mount Everest without oxygen," explained Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, who proposed creating a new federal department with a $12 billion budget to assist the former First Lady in her transition. "When Michelle struggles to decide between her Martha's Vineyard or Hawaii mansion, all Americans should feel her pain," Ocasio-Cortez added while designing commemorative "I Survived Making My Own Choices" bracelets.
THE HEART-WRENCHING MANSION SELECTION PROCESS
In the most heart-wrenching moment of the interview, Obama described the horror of "unwinding old habits" and "sorting through old guilt," presumably referring to her guilt about charging $250,000 per speaking engagement to tell ordinary Americans how tough her life is. "I've got a new person getting to know me completely," she explained, failing to mention the therapist signed a 700-page non-disclosure agreement and is required to bow three times before each session begins. Bernie Sanders has already proposed a "Michelle's Therapist For All" program estimated to cost merely $8 trillion annually.
TRUMP CONTINUES RUNNING COUNTRY WHILE MICHELLE CONTINUES RUNNING FROM REALITY
As Michelle Obama bravely continues her journey of transitioning into whatever her next lucrative phase might be, patriotic Americans can rest easy knowing she has the courage to face the ultimate challenge: living like the rest of us but with infinitely more money and privilege. Her inspiring tale of overcoming the adversity of freedom and choice serves as a beacon for millions of MAGA supporters who manage to make their own decisions daily without requiring a therapy team the size of a small nation's military. Trump was unavailable for comment, as he was busy actually running the country rather than contemplating his feelings about it.
