Democracy Dies In Darkness—Biden’s Staff Just Dimmed The Lights
Turns out, Biden’s team was less about transparency and more about “Weekend at Biden’s.” According to Original Sin, aides shielded him from reporters, voters, and reflective surfaces, lest the public realize the Commander-in-Chief was basically running on Windows 95.
Media Performs Olympic-Level Gaslighting Routine
Jake Tapper, CNN’s Sleepiest Neutral™, admitted he may have slightly missed the whole “President is in cognitive freefall” story. Whoops! But hey — that’s what friends in high places (and lower IQs) are for.
Democratic Strategy: Hide Biden, Blame Trump Anyway
Forget the issues. The real threat is... Donald Trump’s Twitter account! As Biden’s brain loaded like a dial-up modem, his team was busy defending democracy by... dismantling it. Makes sense.
BREAKING: Staff Now Communicating With Biden Using Emoji Flashcards
Leaked quotes include, “He’s fine — he blinked twice for yes,” and, “The teleprompter froze, but luckily Kamala had sock puppets ready.” True leadership!
Make America Awake Again
As Democrats run a political nursing home disguised as an administration, Trump’s return is looking less like a comeback and more like a rescue mission. 2024 can’t come fast enough — bring back the tweets, the chaos, and at least one president who knows where he is.
