Washington D.C. – In a political crossover event that has left pundits questioning the very laws of physics, Senator Bernie Sanders (I-VT) and former White House strategist Steve Bannon reportedly found themselves in furious agreement this week over the urgent need to regulate Artificial Intelligence. The historic meeting of the minds proves that when it comes to fearing new things they don’t quite understand, there is truly no left or right.
The unlikely pairing occurred during a forum on economic nationalism, where the two discovered a shared terror that thinking machines might one day become more efficient than the federal government—a bar that, until now, was considered impossibly low.
Sources close to the Vermont senator confirmed his primary concern is that AI algorithms could soon consolidate wealth and power. “For too long, the top one percent of the one percent of computer code has controlled the destiny of the working class,” Sanders was overheard muttering to a ficus plant in the green room. “These AI do not pay their fair share! They are data billionaires, and it is time we taxed their processing cycles into oblivion!”
“An AI could calculate the cost of my ‘free everything’ plan in seconds and expose it as mathematically impossible,” he allegedly continued, adjusting his spectacles. “That kind of unchecked power is a direct threat to democracy.”
While Bannon’s concerns centered on national security and the impact of AI on the American worker, Sanders’ appeared more focused on ensuring that future robot overlords adhere to strict Vermont zoning laws and offer their services through a union-approved collective. Aides had to repeatedly stop the senator from demanding that ChatGPT join the Service Employees International Union.
The progressive media complex immediately went into a five-alarm panic, struggling to frame the story in a way that didn’t make their elder statesman look like a luddite who just discovered the magic of the phonograph. An emergency MSNBC panel concluded that Sanders was bravely “reaching across the aisle to educate the far-right on the dangers of unregulated techno-capitalism,” a spin so dizzying it reportedly caused three interns to faint.
Dr. Cadence Sparrow, a Professor of Post-Industrial Grievance Studies at Oberlin College, praised the senator’s bold stance. “Senator Sanders is courageously de-platforming the myth of progress,” she explained via a Zoom call from her yurt. “Technology is a construct of the patriarchy. By demanding we put guardrails on thinking machines, Bernie is protecting us from a future where a smart refrigerator might misgender someone. It’s truly the civil rights issue of our time.”
Insiders report that the Sanders-Bannon coalition is already planning its next move. Tentative proposals include a bipartisan commission to study the negative societal impacts of the self-checkout line, a joint resolution demanding that GPS apps include “scenic, less-efficient routes” to combat the tyranny of optimization, and a federal ban on Roombas for taking jobs away from honest, hard-working dust bunnies.
“This is just the beginning,” a Sanders campaign staffer whispered, on condition of anonymity. “Yesterday it was Wall Street, today it’s Silicon Valley. Tomorrow, we’re coming for your microwave oven. That popcorn gets done way too fast. It’s unnatural.”
The alliance has sent shockwaves through the political establishment, forcing many to confront a terrifying new reality where the horseshoe theory is proven true. As it turns out, the political spectrum is not a straight line, but a circle, and at the very end, everyone meets up to yell at a cloud—or, in this case, The Cloud.
