Energy giant Exxon announced plans this week to move operations from New Jersey to Texas, triggering widespread confusion among state officials who were confident their aggressive lawsuits and climate activism would encourage companies to stay forever.
Local lawmakers immediately held a press conference demanding answers about why a massive energy corporation might prefer operating in a state where politicians don’t sue it for existing.
“This decision is deeply troubling,” said one New Jersey official while standing beside a podium labeled ‘Energy Companies Are Evil.’ “We simply cannot understand why a company would relocate after only a decade of constant litigation, punitive regulations, and speeches accusing them of destroying the planet.”
Economic experts say the company’s decision may have been influenced by Texas offering lower taxes, fewer lawsuits, and a radical concept known as “letting businesses operate.”
“That seems unlikely,” one policy analyst said cautiously. “Corporations usually prefer being treated like villains in courtroom dramas.”
In response to the announcement, several New Jersey climate activists vowed to protest the move by gluing themselves to a Prius until Exxon returns.
“If Exxon leaves, how are we supposed to protest them outside their office?” asked one activist wearing a shirt reading ‘END OIL (AFTER MY UBER ARRIVES).’
Meanwhile, Texas officials welcomed the company with what they described as a “dangerous display of hospitality.”
“We’re excited to have them,” said a Texas economic development official. “We generally believe energy companies producing energy is a good thing.”
The statement reportedly caused several New Jersey lawmakers to faint.
Experts say the relocation highlights a growing trend of businesses fleeing heavily regulated states for places where the economic philosophy is slightly less hostile than “corporations must apologize for existing.”
One economist explained the issue simply.
“If you spend years suing a company, taxing it heavily, and calling it evil,” he said, “eventually the company may decide to leave.”
New Jersey lawmakers rejected this theory as “far-right speculation.”
Instead, officials launched a new task force to investigate the true reason Exxon is leaving, with early theories including climate change, misinformation, and possibly Texas barbecue.
The task force is expected to spend three years and $14 million studying the problem.
In the meantime, Texas leaders say they are preparing a welcome package for Exxon executives that includes brisket, a cowboy hat, and a revolutionary document rarely seen in New Jersey:
A business permit.
