TOTAL WAR, TOTAL TRUMP
“Let him cook,” whispered JD Vance, wiping tears of patriotic joy with an American flag napkin. As B2 bombers sautéed Iran’s nuclear ambitions, President Trump reportedly shouted, “That’s how you microwave peace, baby!” from his Mar-a-Lago situation cabana.
VANCE DECLARES “TRUMP DOCTRINE,” LIBERALS DECLARE HYSTERIA
While Joe Biden was busy misplacing Delaware, Trump dropped precision democracy on Tehran. JD Vance hit the airwaves calling it the "Trump Doctrine"—foreign policy boiled down to “Hit ‘em hard, hit ‘em fast, then hit Waffle House.”
MEDIA IN MOURNING: TRUMP WINS, NO COLLUSION REQUIRED
CNN anchors took turns grief-chugging oat milk as their dream of a Trump-induced apocalypse vaporized like Iranian centrifuges. MSNBC insisted it was “an unauthorized war crime” because no trans consultants were consulted.
FINAL THOUGHT: WELCOME TO THE TRUMP CENTURY
While Democrats were busy identifying as confused, Trump identified as victorious. No boots on the ground. No endless war. Just air superiority, swagger, and a side of steak. JD Vance summed it up best: “Let him cook — just don’t let Kamala near the stove.”
