Finally, The Efficiency of Government Bureaucracy For Every Medical Need
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Citing the overwhelming success and public adoration of the Department of Motor Vehicles, top Democrats today unveiled the Unified Citizen Wellness Mandate (UCWM), a revolutionary healthcare plan designed to bring the DMV’s signature efficiency to every doctor’s office and hospital in America.
The plan, which builds upon previous 'Medicare for All' proposals, is being hailed by its supporters as the final step in liberating Americans from the tyranny of choice and timely medical attention.
“For too long, Americans have been burdened with confusing options, like choosing their own doctor or scheduling an appointment for the same week,” said one progressive congresswoman at a press conference, standing before a flowchart too complex to fit on a single screen. “Under our new plan, we are simplifying the process. Need a heart transplant? Take a number. Have a suspicious rash? Please fill out form 11-B-Gamma in triplicate and wait for your color-coded tab to be called.”
The Customer Experience You Know And Love
According to a 4,000-page summary document, the UCWM will be implemented by a newly created federal agency: the Department of Health and Human Queues (DHHQ). This agency will nationalize all healthcare services and facilities, replacing them with a streamlined system of regional 'Citizen Wellness Centers'.
Key features of the new plan include:
- A User-Friendly Numbering System: Upon entering a Wellness Center, citizens will take a numbered ticket from a familiar red dispenser, ensuring absolute fairness in the order they are seen, whether they have a mild cough or a compound fracture.
- Standardized Comfort: All waiting rooms will be retrofitted with the iconic hard plastic chairs, flickering fluorescent lighting, and single, out-of-order vending machine that have made the DMV a beloved American institution.
- Peak Service Hours: To ensure DHHQ employees are well-rested and motivated, service windows for critical procedures like chemotherapy and brain surgery will be inexplicably closed from 11:15 AM to 2:45 PM for a 'mandatory wellness break.'
- Paperwork Equity: The plan eliminates thousands of confusing insurance forms, replacing them with a single, 900-page 'Proof of Existence' application, which must be renewed biannually with a certified copy of your birth certificate and three proofs of residency.
“We studied the most efficient government agencies, and the DMV was the clear winner,” explained a junior policy advisor. “They have perfected the art of serving the public in a way that is both methodical and completely detached from the concept of time. We want to bring that same zen-like patience to the emergency room.”
A Small Price to Pay
When questioned about the plan’s estimated $47 trillion price tag over ten years, proponents dismissed the concerns as trivial. “You can’t put a price on knowing that everyone, regardless of their ailment, will receive the exact same level of indifferent, bureaucratic attention,” a senator from Vermont was overheard explaining to an aide.
To fund the initiative, the plan proposes a series of innovative new taxes, including a 'Breathing Surcharge,' an 'Unearned Contentment Levy,' and a 'Voluntary Mandatory Payroll Contribution' that automatically deducts 40% of every citizen’s income.
“It’s a small price to pay for fairness,” said local activist Trent “They/Them” Morrison, who has already begun camping outside his local clinic to get a good spot in line for the plan’s 2028 launch. “I’m tired of the oppressive freedom of seeing a specialist when I want to. I’d rather have a government official, who truly knows what’s best for me, assign a pre-approved primary care administrator after a brief 18-month waiting period. That’s true liberation.”
The DHHQ is reportedly already in the process of training its new medical staff, with a curriculum focused less on medicine and more on mastering the art of staring blankly at a computer screen while a long line of people waits just a few feet away. The pilot program is expected to roll out in Portland, Oregon, where citizens have reportedly been practicing for years by forming long, pointless lines for artisanal toast.
